The Top Ten Beautiful-Haired Boys
1. Kyle Soller: His hair in The Government Inspector was so magnificent that many thought it was a wig. We were very happy when it was confirmed that it was not, and it was, in fact, his own beautiful curls. The CROWNING GLORY of all hair.
2. Jack Laskey: The “KEYSMASH” part of Jack KEYSMASH Laskey’s name stems entirely from his hair, which is FULL OF FEELINGS (something which will become a theme in this list).
3. Sam Crane: In All’s Well That Ends Well, Sam Crane’s hair is actually used to communicate the fact that Bertram has had sex. BECAUSE OF HOW IT IS FULL OF FEELINGS (told you). Also, if you pull on it, he— ahem. Sorry, I’ll stop there.
4. Ben Whishaw: He looks like he might collapse under the weight of his own hair. BECAUSE OF HOW IT IS FULL OF— okay, you get the picture.
5. Andrew Garfield: Oh Bambi, why is your fur so luscious? But seriously, sometimes Andrew is even ginger, which makes it all TEN TIMES HOTTER.
6. Joshua McGuire: HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY HAMLET. No, seriously; just look at those curls. He looks like what a child might draw if you asked them to draw curly hair.
7. Robert Billington: He bakes! He takes photos! He rolls his trousers up in an ill-advised yet sexually satisfying fashion! And just LOOK AT HIS HAIR. It bounces up and down when he’s vigorously stirring cake mix and goes all curly at the ends when he gets a bit sweaty! Reality TV should never give one this many feelings.
8. Gunnar Cauthery: Everyone’s favourite super-blonde half-Icelandic, beloved by rabbis across the land! It’s with regret that we confirm that his ginger days are behind him (though if anyone wants to catch them, we recommend series one and three of The Demon Headmaster — not series two though; he’s in a coma). But LOOK how fluffy and lovely it is now!
9. Tom Hiddleston: When discussing what to write for Tom, one of us inadvertently used the word “fingles”, which is some kind of bizarre hybrid of fingers, ringlets, feelings and Hiddles; so basically the perfect word to describe the emotions his hair invokes. FINGLES.
10. Simon Woods: GLORIOUS MOP OF SHINING GINGER GLORY. So glorious that we had to use “glory” twice in that sentence. And again in that one.
The Top Ten Forearms
1. Jamie Parker: If Michael Flatley is the Lord of the Dance, Jamie Parker is the LORD OF THE FOREARMS
2. Ed MacFarlane: We tried to think of something to write about this picture of the Friendly Fires lead singer, but there are no words.
3. Andrew Garfield: The most generous provider of forearms that there is. Seriously. Every photoshoot, they’re out. It’s almost as if he cannot keep them sheathed.
4. John Heffernan: Here, John’s forearms are tied up with a ribbon. LIKE THE GIFT THAT THEY ARE.
5. Gunnar Cauthery: (Pervy comment redacted because he is no doubt reading this right now. DAMN YOU CAUTHERY.)
6. Sam Swainsbury: You probably don’t know who Sam is, so here’s a primer: He’s a member of all-male Shakespeare troupe Propeller, and he has a) a talent for a capella renditions of 80s pop music, b) excellent lung capacity and c) a very sexy set of forearms.
7. Ed Bennett: Oh, Ed. No photo will ever do his forearms justice, but trust us, we’ve seen them in real life, and they are spectacular.
8. Mathew Baynton: Things we remind ourselves of every day: that it’s not right to have feelings of this sexual magnitude about a children’s television star. OH WELL.
9. Zac Efron: SEE ABOVE.
10. Andrew Scott: Andrew Scott is widely known as the nicest man in theatre. And the scariest man on television. Either way, he’s got a marvellous set of forearms.