The Top Ten Saddest Eyes
1. John Heffernan: Despite his generally charming and enthusiastic disposition (seriously, ask him about Matilda some time, and hold on to your ovaries), nobody has sadder eyes than John Heffernan. This is proven by the fact that in about 30% of the photos of him that are available on the internet, he is, in fact, crying; tears clinging to his beautiful eyelashes, pupils sparkling with a deep, quiet grief— (That’s enough now - Ed.)
2. Kit Harington: Kit shows his Sad Bastard Eyes off to fine effect in Game of Thrones, but it was his role in War Horse that really gave these babies a workout. So huge and brown you could see ‘em from a mile off (aka the back row at The National), Kit’s eyes put enough emotion into a reunion with a wire and wooden horse to make grown men weep.
3. Phil Cumbus: We are yet to see these particular Sad Eyes - currently in action as Claudio in The Globe’s Much Ado About Nothing - in actual, real life, but it only takes a few photos (and some encouraging words from other members of Team Cumberbus) to earn him this spot on our list.
4. Sam Crane: Oh SAM, the sadness within you, we can see it - your eyes make us feel it. Seriously, we often worry about his sad self - there has to be some serious inner turmoil going on if you manage to look that blue during a JIG. Fair Sam’s baby blues are almost always BRIMMING WITH SADNESS.
5. Jamie Parker: Most people know Jamie Parker from The History Boys, where his sad eyes are deployed less often than his sparkling, crinkly ones. But if you’ve watched Valkyrie, you’ll know that Mr Parker spends the entire film making sad eyes so heartbreaking that they give an otherwise frankly rubbish film a deep emotional core.
6. Andrew Garfield: You can’t really hold the nickname Bambi without having the very tip-top saddest eyes, and boy does this guy have a corking set. His scenes in The Social Network are almost too hard to watch; you can actually see his heart breaking on the screen. Oh BAMBI.
7. Jack Laskey: If Laskey’s hair is full of feelings, it’s his eyes that shoot those feelings out all over the place. He didn’t have much to say during his latest outing at the Young Vic in I Am The Wind, but he managed to communicate an entire back story almost entirely via his eyes (his hair put out of action in this instance by an extreme case of soggy homoeroticism).
8. Jon Richardson: Jon is, ostensibly, a comedian. Quite how this can be the case when he is so completely, heart-achingly sad is beyond me. Anyone who’s read his book will know that it contains passages so bleak that they’re almost unbearable, and that sadness definitely comes across in his eyes.
9. Harry Lloyd: Despite being master of the Patented Harry Lloyd Crazy Eyes™, Harry also does a good Sad Eye. His big, dark eyes tug at the heartstrings all the way through the BBC’s Robin Hood, and see their crowning moment of melancholy when - in a particularly stirring moment - he sheds a single emo tear. IN A CAVE.
10. Ben Whishaw: I doubt there is an actor out there with so extensive a Sad Eyed repertiore as darling Ben. Hamlet, Keats, Freddie Lyon, Richard II - even his mid-90s Birdseye adverts have a whisper of the Sad Eyes about them!
The Top Ten Beautiful-Haired Boys
1. Kyle Soller: His hair in The Government Inspector was so magnificent that many thought it was a wig. We were very happy when it was confirmed that it was not, and it was, in fact, his own beautiful curls. The CROWNING GLORY of all hair.
2. Jack Laskey: The “KEYSMASH” part of Jack KEYSMASH Laskey’s name stems entirely from his hair, which is FULL OF FEELINGS (something which will become a theme in this list).
3. Sam Crane: In All’s Well That Ends Well, Sam Crane’s hair is actually used to communicate the fact that Bertram has had sex. BECAUSE OF HOW IT IS FULL OF FEELINGS (told you). Also, if you pull on it, he— ahem. Sorry, I’ll stop there.
4. Ben Whishaw: He looks like he might collapse under the weight of his own hair. BECAUSE OF HOW IT IS FULL OF— okay, you get the picture.
5. Andrew Garfield: Oh Bambi, why is your fur so luscious? But seriously, sometimes Andrew is even ginger, which makes it all TEN TIMES HOTTER.
6. Joshua McGuire: HOLD ME CLOSER, TINY HAMLET. No, seriously; just look at those curls. He looks like what a child might draw if you asked them to draw curly hair.
7. Robert Billington: He bakes! He takes photos! He rolls his trousers up in an ill-advised yet sexually satisfying fashion! And just LOOK AT HIS HAIR. It bounces up and down when he’s vigorously stirring cake mix and goes all curly at the ends when he gets a bit sweaty! Reality TV should never give one this many feelings.
8. Gunnar Cauthery: Everyone’s favourite super-blonde half-Icelandic, beloved by rabbis across the land! It’s with regret that we confirm that his ginger days are behind him (though if anyone wants to catch them, we recommend series one and three of The Demon Headmaster — not series two though; he’s in a coma). But LOOK how fluffy and lovely it is now!
9. Tom Hiddleston: When discussing what to write for Tom, one of us inadvertently used the word “fingles”, which is some kind of bizarre hybrid of fingers, ringlets, feelings and Hiddles; so basically the perfect word to describe the emotions his hair invokes. FINGLES.
10. Simon Woods: GLORIOUS MOP OF SHINING GINGER GLORY. So glorious that we had to use “glory” twice in that sentence. And again in that one.
The Top Ten Forearms
1. Jamie Parker: If Michael Flatley is the Lord of the Dance, Jamie Parker is the LORD OF THE FOREARMS
2. Ed MacFarlane: We tried to think of something to write about this picture of the Friendly Fires lead singer, but there are no words.
3. Andrew Garfield: The most generous provider of forearms that there is. Seriously. Every photoshoot, they’re out. It’s almost as if he cannot keep them sheathed.
4. John Heffernan: Here, John’s forearms are tied up with a ribbon. LIKE THE GIFT THAT THEY ARE.
5. Gunnar Cauthery: (Pervy comment redacted because he is no doubt reading this right now. DAMN YOU CAUTHERY.)
6. Sam Swainsbury: You probably don’t know who Sam is, so here’s a primer: He’s a member of all-male Shakespeare troupe Propeller, and he has a) a talent for a capella renditions of 80s pop music, b) excellent lung capacity and c) a very sexy set of forearms.
7. Ed Bennett: Oh, Ed. No photo will ever do his forearms justice, but trust us, we’ve seen them in real life, and they are spectacular.
8. Mathew Baynton: Things we remind ourselves of every day: that it’s not right to have feelings of this sexual magnitude about a children’s television star. OH WELL.
9. Zac Efron: SEE ABOVE.
10. Andrew Scott: Andrew Scott is widely known as the nicest man in theatre. And the scariest man on television. Either way, he’s got a marvellous set of forearms.